Sometimes I get startled at the incredible layers of life. The shimmering dance of snow, the depth and power of the sea, the vastness of rolling prairie grasses. I no longer just look at these beautiful scenes in nature, I feel their energy in my veins. I am alive. My whole body becomes warm. I can feel the blood flowing. I literally feel my heart swell. It activates a feeling of overwhelm, but in a good way. Breathing becomes excited yet calm at the same time. The moments become longer now as I breathe along with the rest of the Universe. I’ve experienced the magnificence of creation.
Here is where I feel her. Although I never knew if my baby was a “she,” it just feels right. She is here. With a soul as wise as the oldest mountain, she is awakening me. Reminding me I’m alive. Worthy of this moment. Her warmth is overwhelming and pure.
Because of her, I now know my path. I am on it. No more waffling with “what ifs” and “am I sure this is right?” For the first time in my life I know I am on the right path. It has been inside me all along. I just needed some real work to actually happen inside me to know it.
Last week I experienced the milestone of the day that my child was expected to be born. March 1, 2013.
I imagine how my life would be so different now. Having a baby. Experiencing those feelings of being excited and anxious and ready and not ready all at the same time. Kissing her tender cheeks and rosy nose. Cradling her little life, imagining all the joy that she will bring to me and my family. Sharing the flood of wonderment with my husband, who I love so much, that we made such a beautiful gift.
While in reality, I feel like I’m in some sort of fog. Like a magic trick that never really got to that “abracadabra” part.
Yet, I also think about how incredibly grateful I am to have had a miscarriage.
I am saying this because in the last nine months of my life have been the most impactful, powerful and motivating. I do not wish a miscarriage on anyone as a life-awakening experience, but it was such a thing for me. Painful situations and experiences can be turned into powerful ones if we set our hearts on that outcome. That is what I choose.
But it took me a while to get there.
In my experience, I went through a few months where I absolutely tried my best to shut down the deep grief I was going through. I “moved on” with my life. Thought everything was OK. Said I never wanted to have kids. I went through the works of denying my underlying feelings.
Little did I know at the time, those feelings were rising at an incredible force underneath the surface. I didn’t heed the “high tide” warnings. I kept swimming. And I got swept away at sea.
I like to call it an “internal illness” — emotional pain coming out physically — is what brought my feelings of grief to the surface. I explain a lot about it in a prior post called ‘Listen to the workings of your body’. I began experiencing acute and very painful inner ear pain. I believe this was coming from “not wanting to listen/hear about what happened.” I also never grieved past familial losses, so that was a part of it too. For months (yes, months) on end I would have this pain and deep crying jags accompanied with severe dry heaving. I was releasing. I was finally being forced to.
Everything for a few months was so painful. Grieving is hard. One of the hardest things we as humans go through. I desperately wanted it to stop, but it didn’t, and I didn’t quit. I kept releasing, kept peeling back layers and layers of old stuff accompanied with the new miscarriage sadness. As I approached the day of my would-be due date, a sense of understanding and comfort greeted me with a brighter and brighter light as it got closer.
Throughout these nine months or so, I have gained so much soul-level knowledge. Or, really heart speak. I live with my heart so much more now.
Many people believe that children are our greatest teachers. I know this to be true. I may not have a child that walks this Earth, but I have one that you cannot see who is continually teaching me.
These are some of the things I have learned. . .
Children are on their own schedule for their needs and wants. I learned this first hand. Lessons, gifts, experiences, people, etc. will come to you when the time is right. We don’t always get to decide that. Live with a trust that things will work out for the best in the perfect time.
Time is not real
Forget the past and future. Live in the now. Like, really be. Appreciate every high and low you experience they are both here to give you what you what you honestly need to be a better person. Let love take the place of time. Stay still. Appreciate the very smallest details of everything you encounter.
Be willing to forgive
Open yourself up to forgive yourself. For whatever that may be. I know I did not cause the miscarriage, but I would be lying if my mind didn’t wander to the possibilities of what I could have done to prevent this. Let that go. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Surround yourself with pure love because that is what you are and will always be.
Free your feelings
Now is not the time to harbor anything inside of us other than love and light. What does this mean? Same as above regarding forgiveness, be willing and open to confront what you are uncomfortable with. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Forgive God/The Universe/your higher power of choice. Gently cradle your soul with as much love and tenderness you would with a baby. It is never too late to make peace with your feelings. Continually do so.
Allow others to help
I can be very prideful sometimes. Thinking I can fix every problem on my own without the help our guidance of other’s wisdom. That’s not true. Ask for help when you need it. Your soul begs you to. People are placed in our paths not only to be fun and interesting, but to help and serve. Let others love you.
It’s OK to feel like you are a mother
I struggle with this one a lot. Some people don’t think you’re a mom if you’ve had a miscarriage. And you can think whatever you want, but I feel like I am a Mom. If you’ve had a miscarriage, and have no other children, consider yourself a mother if you feel it is right.
See the wisdom of children
Children have so much to offer us. Take note at how they live their lives with such passion and genuine joy. Take the time to understand a child, to hear them, see how they’re feeling. And then thank your inner child and allow it to be a constant presence in your life. We have the ability to add fun into all that we do.
Underneath the pain is something magnificent to gain
After it all, if I could go back, I know I wouldn’t erase this from my life. I wouldn’t *want* to experience it again, but I think of all the planting and blossoming that came from that big pile of dirt. What are you experiencing in your life that is painful? We all have something. Acknowledge your hurt, but also see the potential for big growth. Amazing, glorious, inspirational change is available at any moment we are feeling uncomfortable. Don’t hide from the pain. Say “thank you” and turn it into a huge gain.
Photo by Joe Brandmeier