A few hours late on this, but 2014 has been a year that’s left me scratching my head, my heart bursting with joy, my soul breaking with emptiness, and a fluttering feeling that I have been tip-toeing on the edge of a canyon.
There’s a big part of me that wants to throw a match on last year and walk away with flames in the background. There’s equally a big part of me that looks back on 2014 and doesn’t want to let go. 99% due to the birth of my incredible son, River. Letting go of his baby stage is hard. I love our relationship right now…the snuggles, smiles, incoherent babble, squinty, sparkly eyes that greet me in the morning, and his sweet little old man back of the neck. It’s just so kissable.
Sometimes, OK, a lot of the times, I get really scared of the future. My mind likes to completely screw with me and plays this game of “Well, everything is going so well now…something is bound to change shortly.” It’s like I’m waiting for a bomb to go off. I *know* that life will perpetually have ups and downs, but I have to diffuse this nasty bomb that lives in my head somehow.
No one deserves to live in a place of fear. I think 2014 pulled me directly to the fear and held my entire body to the fire. Like “LOOK AT ME. DO YOU WANT THIS? HUH? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DO THIS?” It was a frightening place, and one I lived in deeply for months. Now, every day gets easier and the flames retreat, but they sometimes still show up.
I’m just going to say it: I’m kind of scared of 2015 and the lessons it will bring. I just had to say it to get it out, let it go, transmute it into something bigger, better…more positive. But deep down I know it will all be OK.
I also know that when life gives you tough times, months, years, whatever. Eventually we will look back and say “Those were the times that changed me for the better. Look at what I’ve come through.”
So here’s to those who had a tough 2014. Embrace what it was…you’ve done it…you won’t have to do it again.
Let’s look at 2015 as the rainbow after the storm. I’m going to change my perspective, I am not going to live in a place of fear any more…I will talk about how I feel, get it out, hear my emotions, and move into a place of positivity and light.
Cast out your darkness, it’s time to travel light.
Here’s to the next 365. It’s ours for the taking.