Ignoring something doesn’t make it go away.
It will always be there even if you pretend it is long gone.
I am now in the dark pangs of emotion regarding my miscarriage, that I neglected to process at the time.
When I sat through two doctor appointments that day, the first unable to find a heartbeat, and the second, an ultrasound showing that a sweet little baby that had passed, I methodically took in the information. Not much processing behind it. Of course I was sad, but I was mostly confused. For whatever reason, or employing a coping mechanism at the time, I said “well, this is what happens, ” and ” there’s nothing you can do about it but go through it.” I didn’t deny what was happening, but I also did not try to understand it.
Enter 2 months later.
Emotions are coming out sideways and in deep waves. Sobbing jags wash over me and are so severe to the point that I begin to dry heave. My eyes have a hard time focusing, dull headaches fog my brain, and my ear is plugged up as it seems I don’t want to hear the truth. I don’t feel like moving. I stay in my baggiest sweatshirt and sweatpants for days in a row.
I’ve never experienced this much pain before. I’ve been a master at stuffing my emotions for a long time. I’ve never allowed greif in my field, even with my parents divorce and the constant fear when I was little, the passing of Grandpa, Aunt, and Grandma that I’ve been close to. This time is different. I am unable to stuff. I’ve hit my limit of loss without process. Thus, it is coming out in each and every way. Tears keep coming. I allow them to flow this time. It has to be released. All of my loss.
Loss is Universal. Everyone will experience it in this lifetime. And likewise, everyone deals with it differently. I feel compelled and drawn to speak about this as a part of my healing process. I encourage everyone who has dealt with unresolved loss to allow yourself to free it. Free the loss. Honor the loss. It may sound simple, but this can be tough. Find what works for you…maybe it’s through a guided meditation, writing, recalling what happened and releasing it with emotion, talking with a close family member or friend.
(And I’m speaking to myself here now, too) Allow the release. Allow the release. Allow the release. Ask for help from your angels, guides, God, the Universe and higher beings. They are happy to help you now and always, but you have to ask. They want you to know and truly feel that you are loved, safe, healthy, and free.
We may never fully “get over it” and that is OK. It’s time to set yourself free of all unwanted energy and emotion and get back into the flow of emotional, physical, and spiritual health.
Have you ever experienced emotions boiling over? How did you handle it?
First things first: I adore you, Blair! Your ability to share is, in every sense of the word, awesome =) When I feel my emotions starting to boil over, I remember the wisest thing my mother ever said to me, “anger is just worry covered up.” (What brought it to mind is the element of anger within the grief process.) If I’m angry, I stop myself and listen to my mother’s words … figure out what the problem actually is, and put my energy towards dealing with the worry: talk to the person I’m worried about, shine some light on the worry ghosts in the dark corners, take action! The value of her lesson to me is to recognize the emotion for what it truly is, which you encourage us to do through your story. Thank you =)
Oh sweet Amanda – I adore you and your lovely wisdom and words. I TOTALLY agree with your Mom’s advice…I have actually caught myself saying that recently. So true. Light is so important too – here’s to shining bright! Love you!
You have a beautiful voice and I am so glad you are sharing it with the world. Know that time will release these wrenching emotions that fall upon you. You are so strong and can handle anything that is placed in your life. It always helped me with the loss of one of my good friends to share my thoughts, worries, fears, pains and happy memories with someone. I am here anytime you want to do this. You are surrounded by amazing people who will be there for you the second you ask. Love you boo boo.
Thanks so much Mellie Boo Boo. Great advice from a great person. I love you lots! xo
Big (((((hugs))))) to you, dear! Beautiful, honest post… thank you for sharing 🙂
Thank you Erin – love your presence. xo
Some things that might – MIGHT – make you feel better, differently, not any better – I’m not sure.
#1:
A pal of mine has connected with this group after a few recent miscarriages: http://www.irisremembers.com
She’s doing the upcoming 5K – is a dandy woman who is also coping with her grieving publically. I think the two of you might hit it off famously (for more reasons than just this connection). Let me know if I can make an introduction.
#2
You and B come to our house for homemade pizzas on the grill. This is not a casual invite – I’m talking tonight or tomorrow.
#3
Come do yoga with me at Blooma this week. It’s for moms of all kinds and the energy there is HEALING.
Much love to you pal.
Your blog post is beautifully written with your heart Blair. Filled with such raw emotions of all the losses you have ever experienced.
My latest blog post has a similar meaning although different in many ways. I see it as boiling down to being able to let go of what no longer serves us well. My wish for you is that you will be able to release easily what is causing you pain so you can then hold on dearly to every memory that brings you joy and happiness from everyone of your losses!
Sending blessings and energy of peace, love, healing and comfort your way, and the biggest hug imaginable. xoxoxoxo
I think that I learned not to suppress it. If I was having a bad day, I needed to allow myself to just have a bad day (or a bad week). For me, what we went through in 2010 was life-altering, and changed my perspective on the world completely (although I didn’t realize it at the time. At the time I could barely function). There was a lot of crying (alone; I needed to do it alone, always), a lot of running, a lot of writing, and a smidge of emotional eating 😉
I found a bracelet at the Uptown Art Fair last year that had the words “IT IS WHAT IT IS” stamped onto it, and I have lived by that silly little motto since. There are good days and there are bad days, and at the end of it all, it is what it is. Some things you can’t control. And we all march forward.
Hugs, always.