Take back your joy…stop comparing yourself to others

Hi…my name is Blair, and I avoid cameras and mirrors.

{Hi Blair…}

I never used to. I reveled in getting my photo taken, documenting every itty bitty, silly detail of my life. I went through dozens of disposable cameras in high school and college and as I ventured past the age of 21…something changed.

But first, there’s a bigger reason I liked having my photo taken back in the day…I was skinny. Like…skinny minnie. To be totally honest, I was diagnosed with ADHD in high school and was quickly prescribed medication that not only made me hyper-focus, but made me very, very thin. Confession: I loved it. I finally didn’t have to try to be skinny…it just happened. I could eat all cookies dipped in Magic-shell covered mint chocolate chip ice cream I wanted! Wonder pills!

Well…not exactly. After about a year, I began to have heart troubles due to the medication. It felt like I had bubbles in my heart (which turned out to be palpitations that wouldn’t stop) and my heart would race at night, which alerted my brain to churn and churn, making me unable to sleep. After bouncing around and trying out different drugs, I found myself in my last year of college off of my ADHD meds.

I then gained weight for the first time in my life. I wasn’t comfortable with the extra layer of skin that surrounded me. I would tug at the new cushion I had, wondering where it came from and why? Here is where I started to make up problems in order to get on other medications that are known to cause weight loss. Talk about bad for my body, and even worse…bad for my psyche. I lived in a place where my mind couldn’t stop thinking about how “fat” I was. Internal destruction at its core.

Thinking back on that time, being medicated caused me to not fully go through puberty. Of course, I had my period, but I never had acquired womanly breasts, a butt or hips for that matter (even though I SO thought I did…psshh). When I finally gained that grand trine of womanhood, I hated it. Hate. Most women want full breasts and a bouncy bottom…but I missed my bones.

I have had a you’re OK I guess/hate relationship with my body since I can remember…even when I was at my thinnest. I have gone to therapy for it, abused laxatives, sought out resources on body dysmorphic disorder, and have said some nasty, horrible things about myself that I would never, ever utter to anyone. Hot tears bubble up from the pain, so I find excuses to stay in. Wear sweats. Shield myself from the outside world. I’ve even believed that if it were just me in the world, I guess I would feel comfortable about myself. That way, I wouldn’t have to compare myself to “perfection.”

I’m exhausted from trying to hide from people I knew from high school and beyond in malls or at any other public function. I have an internal recording that consistently says that they’re saying, “what happened to her? she used to be so skinny!” I’m tired of saying no to going out with friends because I “feel fat.” I’m sick of feeling unattractive around my husband. I’m sad that I don’t appreciate myself the way I should.

I haven’t honored my body. The one vessel in this lifetime that makes home for my soul.

I’m writing this to continue nudging things to change.

I am not on any medication anymore to find that “get skinny quick” high. I am over that hurdle, gratefully. Yet, I still have nagging thought about worrying I’m not thin. I know I am. I am a size 6. 6! Gratitude for that, for sure. But it’s funny how the mind can play tricks on you, and so can a number on a scale, and a glance in the mirror, or a peek at a Facebook-tagged photo. I’m still working on those things.

There are so many other people that feel similarly that I want to start an acceptance revolution. Think about sunrises and sunsets. No one will ever look or feel the same as another, but they are always gorgeous. It is the same with you. No two people (not even twins) are the same. But we are all beautiful (on the outside as much as in). You’ve heard this a bazillion times, but really, the saying is true.

Starting a revolution begins inside yourself. I am trying this, and maybe you will too. Whenever you look in the mirror, or feel down, say and feel:

This is my body, it is home to my enlightened soul. I am beautiful. I am grateful. I am me!

Then, think of all the incredible things you can do with your body! Like…I can run a 5K with great pace, I am health conscious, but still am OK with my love for chocolate. I can see. I can hug. I can hear. I can laugh. I can walk. I look darned cute in a a pair of jeans. I can quiet my body, mind, and spirit when I need to. I have a big ol’ heart filled with joy. And so on and so forth…

Stop worrying. Start accepting. See what amazing transformation happens for you. (I’m totally letting this sink in for me, too!)

Later this week, I’m putting out a blog post with resources on finding more body happiness through humor! {Here it is!}

Appreciate yourself today and every day!