This has been a fragile year.
I’m ready for some sort of internal sunshine to break through. I want the cracks in my heart to fill with magical white and gold light and explode it into something brand new. I want to feel the heartbeat of the world, to make a difference in my life first, so I can help others.
I think the saying is true: “you need to love yourself before anyone else can love you.”
For many years now, I have been trying my best to find external comfort and love. I have not properly devoted the time to love myself.
Maybe that’s what I’m continuing to learn this year.
The Universe says: “Sorry…no job for you. Time to work on yourself.” and “Oh and no baby for you…you need to focus on who you are.”
Hard lessons, but I need to go there. The Universe is saying so.
Of course, I’ve somewhat screwed it up by trying to ignore it. Still pressing forward unabashed toward what I “think” is my dream. Only to be driving down the road and I see not just a detour sign, but a big, red, bold lettered “Road Closed” sign.
I’m trying to absorb it all.
From what I hear in my heart I’m supposed to be relaxing. That, my friends, is so much easier said than done for me. I can’t stop. I do my best to ignore the internal. My brain goes in 508086 directions at one time. Can anyone else relate?
I wake up every morning with the intention and hope and thought that I will meditate, create a beautiful, inviting, inspiring life for myself, BREAHTE (for goodness sakes I can forget to breathe!), smile, radiate internal happiness, and be at peace.
Then, I distract myself with everything: online shopping, TV, bossy talk radio, snuggling my doggy for comfort, terrible food, playing with my hair until it breaks off, and mid-day naps.
How do I break out of this pattern? How do I find internal comfort and strength? I think I’m at that tipping point. Nine months of 2012 have passed, and I’m ready to give birth to a new life.
Just had to share how I’m feeling at the moment, I’m hoping I’m not the only one out there who feels like a crystalline soul is inside and I am the only one who is able to let her out.
I also want to be completely vulnerable. Sometimes telling the truth is hard, but it is a powerful measure of strength and trust.
I will endure this and come out on top, and it’s all about loving myself. I don’t want to stand by anymore. I want to see the signs, notice the help, accept love and affection, and move forward into a glorious world.
Thank you for being understanding with me. Learning to love yourself is a huge journey! I’m ready to let go and love.
Blair,
I love your blog! You always have insightful things to say. One thing I did was to get involved in my community. I would go down to the food kitchens and help feed the homeless; I would go to the library and volunteer to read during children’s storybook time; I started a workshop going into high schools and hopefully empowering young girls to take their health into their own hands. Once I got out of myself and started to experience what else was going on around me, I started loving myself more. I started appreciating my life just how it was. I’ve been told I am where I’m suppose to be right now, in this moment. You write a beautiful blog and should be proud of it. When we lose people in our life that helped mold who we are, it can be devastating. I have lost so many people in the last two years but how I get through my grief is I believe they are still around me. Whenever I see a butterfly or a rainbow, it is their sign to me they are still here. In some ways it fills my heart and lessens my grief.
Oh thank you so much, Lucy! You make my heart happy! Great advice and I agree that it would certainly help in to the love zone. The signs are all there for me too (lots of monarchs) so thank you for the reminder 🙂 Love to you!
Blair I can so relate to almost everything you wrote about. It’s as if you were describing me to a ‘T’. I seem to have this need to go 100 miles an hour in every which direction all-the-time. From taking more courses, buying more books, keeping busy online, with tons of different projects… all the while ignoring myself and the fact that I need to slow down and take breaks to simply be… whether through meditating, yoga, anything that will allow me that quiet head space so I can open my heart to what my soul wants me to have. I feel like I am constantly running away from myself.
I had a dream a few nights ago, kind of scary actually. Someone I had seen a few times, she’s a healer was in my dreams telling me that I need to slow down, she was very serious. She shared with me in my dreams how her father was like I was, he could not go to that quiet place and when he did slow down completely it still was too much and he died. She begged me in my dream to let go and allow myself to go to that place of connecting with my soul. I think that is enough of a message for me. It was certainly loud and clear. Thank you so much for writing this profound blog post.
Sending blessings to you Blair on this part of your journey so that you will be able to let go and love.
Wow, Suzanne. I hate to say it, but I’m glad to hear that I’m not “the only one” experiencing these things. You and I are definitely in the same boat…I’m so tired of finding things to distract me. More meditation for me, that’s for sure.
Crazy dream. I’ve had a few similar to that, too. Time to listen, right? Love to you!