I have to be honest, my thoughts and experiences as of late have been a bit of a downer. If you bear with me, I hope this will be the last big one for a while.
On June 26, I lackadaisically took a trip to Target at 7:30 a.m. The only reason to go to Target that early? For a pregnancy test. I’ve been late many times before, and had more than one “scare.” This time felt no different. Of course, it was and with two pink lines staring back at me, I was pregnant.
I was not expecting to expect. It was hard on me, and my husband, for a few days to come around to the thought of becoming parents. For selfish reasons, we were scared, but concluded that we were excited, ready, and even though it was a surprise to us, well…the baby must know the timing is right.
I made it 11 weeks, 4 days…one day after Bryan and I had “officially” told all of our huge extended, and excited families. Later that day, I started spotting, then bleeding, and cramping. I had an appointment scheduled for the following Monday, but could not wait, we had to see our midwife right away. After being unable to find the heartbeat with a doppler, we were sent in for an ultrasound. Let me tell you, silence is not your friend in a doctor’s office. After a few minutes of silence, clicking, and rolling warm gel over my belly, she concluded that the baby had no heartbeat and died around nine weeks.
It has been the most surreal 36-hours of my life. From riding the wave of happiness that came with finally being able to share the joy of a new family member coming into our world, to hearing the unexpected news of a loss, and ultimately, experiencing a miscarriage.
Of course, I was looking forward to the day that I would be sharing the good news with you all. I never thought it would transform into this. And coming off of the death of my Grandma, and losing yet another job this year, this has been a tough blow. 2012 has had its highs, but the lows have certainly made their presence known. What part of the roller coaster am I on now?
Here’s hoping that we all can experience the rest of 2012 with the sense that everything has a way of working out. And working out in the best, brightest white light, with lots of love, laughter, and peace. It will.
Thanks for letting me share my story with you. Blessings to you all.
Your a brave gal Blair Shackle. Hard to write, I’m sure… worse to experience. Angel wings coming your way darlin.
Love you sweetie. Thank you for helping send the angel wings…
*You’re
Peace. Love.Hope.
Your mom.
Love you Mom. xo
Praying that the healing arms of your lost bay surround you and hold you while you heal. Sorry for your loss and know others are praying for you and our husband.
Thank you for your kindness Janice…I can feel it.
My prayers go out to you and your family. I know that silence and pain as I was with my daughter both times she miscarried. This is a difficult time for you and most people do not recognize this and may expect you to move on quickly. Take as much time as you need to absorb and accept. Love to you.
Thank you for your kind words and love, Jan. Love to you too.
What a brave, brave woman you are, Blair. I don’t claim to have any sage advice, other than to say that I’ve been there and I share your sorrow. It does work out–maybe not the way we planned, but in a different way that later on makes much more sense. Sending you lots of love and hugs and turquoise hearts. xoxo
Oh Lisa you always know what to say, I can feel the love…and the snuggles. Love to you. xo
Thank you for sharing. Peace and blessing for you both.
Thanks Margie – peace and blessings to you too.
I too have been there…I think you’ll find that many women you know have been…and I offer that up not to suggest that there’s less pain in company, but maybe some comfort.
Wishing you peace and healing.
Sorry to hear that, Lauren. I absolutely feel comfort in that – as unfortunate as that it happens to so many so frequently. Thank you for your kindness.
As Lauren said above.
Take time for you. It hurts.
Wishing you comfort and peace and hope for brighter days.
Thank you dear Diana – blessings to you.
Dearest Blair,
Early one afternoon in 1988, while my husband was out of town of found myself having acute abdominal pain. After a few hour of this pain I asked our new neighbor to drive me to the hospital and watch our two children. A few hours later I found out I was pregnant, hemorrhaging, and losing the baby. We did not even know I was pregnant. It was a tubal pregnancy.Not knowing did not change the pain of the loss. After surgery and a few days in the hospital I returned home to heal. What helped our family was was time, and rest, friends, and I found a wonderful support group called Compassionate Friends, a national support group. I was able to attend the support group, mourn the loss of our baby and my own feelings about my body and create a memorial for our baby. I’m so glad you have a loving family and friends around you, it really helps. Much love and healing being sent your way.
With loving heart . . .
Thank you for sharing your story Nellie. I’m sad to hear of your loss, it is hard no matter the situation. We were both fortunate to have our families to support us, and what a gift in Compassionate Friends. Love to you.
Continued love and healing thoughts your way. . . <3
Thank you so much, Nellie. xo
Hugs to you and your family Blair. No words can make the sorrow go away. Just know that you are loved. Peace
So touched Brenda. Thank you. <3
So sorry for your loss Blair. There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world or our hearts. Hugs and healing are wished for you in the coming weeks.
Thank you for your love, Kaila. So true. xo
I am so sorry to hear that Blair. 2012 has been a rough year. Stay strong and know that things will get better. Take care of yourself, I will be thinking of you.
Apparently my phone auto corrected my name…
Hi Lindsey, thanks so much for reaching out. You are so sweet – love to you as well. xo
Please don’t feel alone in this sad sad time. Know that we are aching and healing with you, heart to heart. Your brave words unite us. I have two beautiful children today. I know my other child’s spirit love lives on though her fingertips have never graced my palm. Prayers to you, your husband, your mom and family who together will find peace, together.
Wow, so powerful, Deb. Makes me feel that warm embrace of those who are sending me love and light. Love to you – blessings.
Oh Blair, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. As others have stated, take as much time as you need to process, absorb, and heal to whatever extent you’re comfortable with. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should or should not be feeling – everyone deals with life’s sadness on their own terms. Many of us have had lots of challenges with pregnancies and children – you are so, so not alone. Lots of hugs and love to you and Bryan.
Your words comfort me so much, Emily. Thank you for reaching out and letting me know it’s OK to just “be.” Love to you. xo
Oh, Blair, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Sending you lots of love and healing through these difficult hours.
Thanks so much, Michele. I so appreciate it.
Blair, your sharing of such personal and painful loss shows true courage and strength. My heart goes out to you and your family. A miscarriage is painfully hard in so many different ways. When we lost our baby, I mourned what we had lost, what could of been and the inability to have any control over what happened. It is usually such a private, quiet and horribly painful loss. It strengthens us all to have you connect us by opening such a raw part of yourself. Thank you.
Oh, thank you Tracy. It is so hard, and I am sorry, too, for your loss. Love and light to you xo
Dear Blair,
I hope you can feel all of the love and light pouring your way. Having a miscarriage was the most difficult experience I’ve ever been through. The loss touched an emotional depth I had not experienced…and gave me the ability to feel more fully.
Loss certainly has a way of connection us to what really matters.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,
Maryanne
Hi Maryanne, I certainly can and I am humbled and so grateful for all the loving support. I’m sad to hear of your experience, but I, too, hope to feel more fully and gain more emotional depth. Thank you for your kindness. Lots of love.
You are a brave and beautiful soul Blair. Sending love to you and Brian.
Thank you, Shelia. Lots of love to you too.
Dear Blair, to you and your husband, sending healing thoughts and loving energy. So sad to read about your loss. I cannot relate since I never experienced what you are going through. Sending lots of love and comfort your way. Blessings to both of you. xoxo
You are so kind, Suzanne. Thank you for the love and support – I can certainly feel it and will use it 🙂 Blessings to you too. xo
Blair, thank you for sharing your story. I sincerely believe it will help in your healing process. I have not been where you are at right now, but I have thought about the’ what ifs’ and the ‘how come it happens’ many many many times. You are so strong for sharing and your baby angel is watching over you. Sending you mama love and energy – and many positive thoughts.
Hi Kali,
Thank you for the uplifting words, they are bringing me so much comfort and a feeling of love and understanding. I’ll gladly accept your positivity 🙂 You are lovely. xo
Oh, dear Blair. I was so sad to learn about the loss that you and Bryan have experienced, and I appreciate you sharing it with all of us. I absolutely cannot imagine the heartache. Circling both of you with a big hug and keeping you close in my heart. Peace and light to you and your sweetie. With tons of love, Michelle
Thank you for the big hug – I can certainly feel it! It is so appreciated. Love to you too! xo
Oh. So sorry to hear about your loss, I have tears rolling down my cheeks now. God bless you.
You are so kind, Anneri. xo
Oh Blair, am just catching up on posts and was so sorry to read your news. Sending you belated but big, big heart-felt hugs to you and your sweetie. xx
Thank you Lorinda. I can feel the hugs – thank you, thank you. xo
Blair, How did I miss this? I’m so heartbroken for you and Bryan! I can tell you this from experience, though: It does work out. Loss paves the way for bright and amazing things that you cannot even begin to imagine, and you will have all of those things, and carry the bruises and scars of a more difficult time with you. Battle wounds. It’s so worth it.
Hello dear Colleen – thank you so much for your kind words. I know you understand, and I look forward to the day that the bright and amazing things start to enter 🙂 Love to you!