There is something I have to get off my ego.
Something I haven’t yet shared with you all.
Since the last week in September of 2012, I have been dealing with acute ear pressure and pain. Mainly in my right hear-er.
For about a month and a half, the pain was so overwhelming it took all of my attention. So much so that I wasn’t able to do much of anything. It ate up all my motivation and thoughts. I usually try to ignore the pain until it goes away, so I “waited it out” hoping that it would allieve itself in a timely fashion (like all of my past pains have). . .I though: only a few more days, maybe a week and I’ll bounce back.
I was wrong.
It stayed. Hollered. Begged. Bit. Screamed. Demanded every ounce of my attention.
What was this pain trying to tell me?
At the time, I didn’t know. Frankly, didn’t really care. I just wanted the intensity to stop.
If we back up before this incident, I have always been healthy. I’ve never broken a bone, been stung by a bee, and every ailment I would have in my life would be over before I knew it because I am resilient.
So, when my sweet little ear fired up, and didn’t go away quickly, I was propelled into a tailspin. My ego took over and told me I would never recover. “What did I do wrong?” “Why was I being punished?” I told myself that this wasn’t fair. I literally stomped around and threw myself on a bed like a toddler. Whining, crying, pleading as snot ran down my face.
Then, I began to hear directional whispers (just an FYI my actual hearing was never affected, just my inner-voice was muffled). . .“ask for help.” OK. Something I need to work on. Until now, I’ve lived a life where I’ve been afraid to ask for help, pride puffing up and getting in my way. . .so I wondered where should I turn?
I tried many home remedies at first: oils, ear candling, mindfulness/meditating, avoiding certain foods, etc. All offered some relief, but not an answer. Then I did something that made me very nervous, I went to a western-medicine doctor at an urgent care facility.
Terror flushed through every cell of my body. I thought, “what if something really is seriously wrong with me?” “will I be forced to live with this condition for the rest of my life?” I give western doctors a bad rap, and I admit, I expect them to not treat the “whole” me. . .mind, body, spirit. . .but I happened upon a kind yet to-the-point physician who told me my ear only looked slightly inflamed. Even with little worry on his part, I left with a white baggy filled with anti-biotics in hopes that this would be the key.
Not the case.
At this point, I had stirrings that this pain was more than just physical. There was a deep, root cause that was yet to be uncovered.
Finally, I turned to something that made me a little less nervous and more in my wheelhouse, acupuncture. I met a beautiful soul with a gift for healing, who looked me in the eyes and told me: “Everything is going to be OK. You are safe and healthy and we can fix this.” My heart knew this was right. Someone saw me and wanted to help and knew she could! Gratitude washed over me.
Acupuncture is an amazing medicine. Over 3000 years old, it has had a lot of practice to become a powerful treatment of many physical and even emotional issues. What she determined with my issue is that it indeed stemmed from emotion, and mostly grief.
As many of you know, I had a miscarriage in August. Just a week short of losing my maternal-grandmother. And some of you may know that up until, well, really. . .now, I was not “good at grieving.” Now, I know there is not a right or wrong way to grieve, but I just wasn’t doing it at all.
With so much grief (also including the divorce of my parents when I was little, losing my grandpa in middle school and my maternal-aunt in college), the greif I was carrying spilled out everywhere and it manifested in a “weak” point in my body at the time, my ear. What I mean by “weak” is that I believe I caught a little bug on September 21 as I was outside in windy, chilly weather working for many hours. It took a few days for it all to spill over into dramatic pain.
Back to acupuncture, so, she treated me physically (directly and indirectly to the ear as well as helping me heal from my miscarriage) and also emotionally (calming my mind/ego, increasing comfort and understanding). Every treatment brought progress, and yes, like many things in life, I have had a few relapses. When I would relapse, the pain would never been at the intensity that it was in the beginning, but it would drag my ego down a bit. Tempting it to think that again, I wouldn’t heal.
That obviously couldn’t be further from the truth. I know I AM healed! But, deep emotional roots take time to weed out, and every day I do get better and better. And even when I feel a bit of residual discomfort, I know that it is for the highest good. Really. Think about it. . .
All pain and discomfort serves an enormous purpose. I didn’t realize it at the start, but what I hear now from it is:
- What more do you need to release?
- Bring this uncomfortable feeling into the light
- Everything is working out perfectly on time
- You ARE healthy, safe and protected
- This is cleansing you of past emotional pain that no longer serves you
- Be grateful because you are improving physically and emotionally
I have always known that physical pain is emotional pain realized. It is trapped emotion that has been unheard. Now, I know it is best not to feed the beast (negative emotions), but you do have to acknowledge it. Let it out. Let it go. Whatever you need to do to free yourself.
The biggest question to take into your heart is. . .
“What is my body trying to awaken in my soul?”
Listen intently like you would to a friend. Give gratitude for the pain, because it will make you stronger, better, balanced.
Thank you for letting me share this with you. I have been neglecting the signs to share this story, and I am so glad I finally have. It will help me release even more. And hopefully help some of you out there who may be experiencing something similar.
And I have to share this too. . .I also lost my paternal-grandma almost exactly a month ago. I had slight fear about experiencing her passing. But, through this experience of working through past greif, I was able to truly grieve, in-the-moment and deeply without feeling scared. It may sound weird, but I felt proud of myself. I actually allowed my soul to feel genuine emotion for the first time surrounding death. I have made enormous, positive progress.
I want you to know that you are going to be more than OK. Any physical pain can be changed and it is up to us ultimately to be the ones to change it. I send you much light and a lot of love!
I encourage you to release too. . .have you ever had an experience like this? A physical symptom that took your attention much deeper to an emotional level? I would love to hear about it and how you have overcome it!