This has been a fragile year.
I’m ready for some sort of internal sunshine to break through. I want the cracks in my heart to fill with magical white and gold light and explode it into something brand new. I want to feel the heartbeat of the world, to make a difference in my life first, so I can help others.
I think the saying is true: “you need to love yourself before anyone else can love you.”
For many years now, I have been trying my best to find external comfort and love. I have not properly devoted the time to love myself.
Maybe that’s what I’m continuing to learn this year.
The Universe says: “Sorry…no job for you. Time to work on yourself.” and “Oh and no baby for you…you need to focus on who you are.”
Hard lessons, but I need to go there. The Universe is saying so.
Of course, I’ve somewhat screwed it up by trying to ignore it. Still pressing forward unabashed toward what I “think” is my dream. Only to be driving down the road and I see not just a detour sign, but a big, red, bold lettered “Road Closed” sign.
I’m trying to absorb it all.
From what I hear in my heart I’m supposed to be relaxing. That, my friends, is so much easier said than done for me. I can’t stop. I do my best to ignore the internal. My brain goes in 508086 directions at one time. Can anyone else relate?
I wake up every morning with the intention and hope and thought that I will meditate, create a beautiful, inviting, inspiring life for myself, BREAHTE (for goodness sakes I can forget to breathe!), smile, radiate internal happiness, and be at peace.
Then, I distract myself with everything: online shopping, TV, bossy talk radio, snuggling my doggy for comfort, terrible food, playing with my hair until it breaks off, and mid-day naps.
How do I break out of this pattern? How do I find internal comfort and strength? I think I’m at that tipping point. Nine months of 2012 have passed, and I’m ready to give birth to a new life.
Just had to share how I’m feeling at the moment, I’m hoping I’m not the only one out there who feels like a crystalline soul is inside and I am the only one who is able to let her out.
I also want to be completely vulnerable. Sometimes telling the truth is hard, but it is a powerful measure of strength and trust.
I will endure this and come out on top, and it’s all about loving myself. I don’t want to stand by anymore. I want to see the signs, notice the help, accept love and affection, and move forward into a glorious world.
Thank you for being understanding with me. Learning to love yourself is a huge journey! I’m ready to let go and love.