I have to be honest, my thoughts and experiences as of late have been a bit of a downer. If you bear with me, I hope this will be the last big one for a while.
On June 26, I lackadaisically took a trip to Target at 7:30 a.m. The only reason to go to Target that early? For a pregnancy test. I’ve been late many times before, and had more than one “scare.” This time felt no different. Of course, it was and with two pink lines staring back at me, I was pregnant.
I was not expecting to expect. It was hard on me, and my husband, for a few days to come around to the thought of becoming parents. For selfish reasons, we were scared, but concluded that we were excited, ready, and even though it was a surprise to us, well…the baby must know the timing is right.
I made it 11 weeks, 4 days…one day after Bryan and I had “officially” told all of our huge extended, and excited families. Later that day, I started spotting, then bleeding, and cramping. I had an appointment scheduled for the following Monday, but could not wait, we had to see our midwife right away. After being unable to find the heartbeat with a doppler, we were sent in for an ultrasound. Let me tell you, silence is not your friend in a doctor’s office. After a few minutes of silence, clicking, and rolling warm gel over my belly, she concluded that the baby had no heartbeat and died around nine weeks.
It has been the most surreal 36-hours of my life. From riding the wave of happiness that came with finally being able to share the joy of a new family member coming into our world, to hearing the unexpected news of a loss, and ultimately, experiencing a miscarriage.
Of course, I was looking forward to the day that I would be sharing the good news with you all. I never thought it would transform into this. And coming off of the death of my Grandma, and losing yet another job this year, this has been a tough blow. 2012 has had its highs, but the lows have certainly made their presence known. What part of the roller coaster am I on now?
Here’s hoping that we all can experience the rest of 2012 with the sense that everything has a way of working out. And working out in the best, brightest white light, with lots of love, laughter, and peace. It will.
Thanks for letting me share my story with you. Blessings to you all.