On July 20, 2013, I received a message from a very important person. Not much of a talker, though…just two little pink lines.
This communication happened to be a big ol’ “what if.” There was no organized intention of taking a pregnancy test that day. I hadn’t missed my period, this was the first month my husband and I decided to “see what happens,” and I didn’t have any of that so-called female intuition about “when you know, you’ll know.”
But, as I stared at perfect dewy glass of rosé wine, I felt compelled to run to the bathroom. Just three minutes later, I was staring at two pink lines. My inner monologue started babbling something incoherent as I smiled and walked out of the bathroom with total permagrin. My hubby was on the couch nursing a bout of food poisoning from the night before, and was just as shocked, but excited, as me.
Like the “we-can’t-believe-it” people that we are, we had to run to Target to pick up a competing brand of pregnancy test…just to make sure. And of course, they all were positive! Seriously, those pregnancy tests are like little magic wands…how do they know!?
This time in my life is so incredible. Even though I’m over three months into my pregnancy, I still have hard time understanding fully that I will be welcoming someone very special into my life, and my family, toward the end of March or early April 2014. My actual due date is March 29, but as most of you know, the baby will come when it is supposed to come. PS: LIKE FOREVER, I have always wanted someone to share a birthday with me in March (mine’s the 24th) and now I may just get that wish! And, no matter the date, I’ll have an amazing 30th birthday present!
Roll the tape back to last year around this time, I was caught up in some swirling storm clouds. The emotional and physical aftershocks from my miscarriage lasted months and months, but I finally found the rainbow out of the storm. And this may surprise you, but the rainbow isn’t having this baby.
The rainbow was finding my authentic path…the one where I work every day on becoming a better person. A path where I now expect the best (not the worst), I ask for help from others and don’t try to fix everything on my own, where I honor the gifts of grief and pain, and find patience in just “being” and letting go.
My miscarriage has been one of the biggest catalysts toward my spiritual path. I am truly and humbly, grateful. I had to learn these things and reconnect to source before I could bring a new soul into this world.
Now, I am blooming in the glow of that rainbow. It feels warm, empowering, and it is continuing to challenge me to let go and trust the process. And…this glow is also making me feel sick! But, that comes with the territory and I feel the second trimester welcoming me with open and less nauseous arms. Yay!
For those of you out there who have experienced loss before, there is a rainbow…there alway is. Just look at it a little differently at first. Soon, you will be basking in the technicolor love too!
More to come, friends!